cried

Don is the person that let me open my eyes on what kind of men exist in this earth, someone who caused me so much problem, the first person to let me fall onto the solid ground hardly and a person who ruin my everything. I thought of revenge all these while. I never even forget the hurt he has given me. at times, im so tired of guess what some other people is thinking in mind. Im so tired of being someone alway having motive. So tired of thinkin and thinkin.

I want to be what I am before. Someone play too hard, forget about studies. Someone enjoy friends company without bothering are they using me. I wish I could restart my life to the year of 1989 sep 9. study hard, play hard and get to a good school. My parents wasnt well educated but they were happy go lucky parents. Perhaps that is where I learn about life a lil. So what if i envy friends that are rich and parents well educated. I never tot that this day will come. Study till no school accept me. Where's my goal ? I no longer know. Wheres my confident ? Wheres my courage ? Im so weak now.

One the previous post about liz... On that issue, I cried. Since when Ive become someone so weak?! my life is totally in a mess now. I never felt this way for so long and alway tot I am able to cope with all these again.

That shooting star I saw... I wish to be a successful person, to be rich. The second shooting star... I wish .../. My hand hurt. But Im enjoyin the pain. At least It distract a lil of my heartache. spacing out again. im so useless being a nineteen year old girl. realising mistakes too late. Rely on people too much. someone might as well just throw me to some place I dont know .

last few times, I wanna blade. knowing i will fall hard on the floor and gettin myself injure. enjoy my self torturing. Seeing blood I feel glad. im so sadistic. What should I do next? god, guide me thru this. I know its lil matter but please... I dont wanna feel any heartache. A person without feeling... how will it be like???